How Porn Convinced Me Sexual Assault Was My Fault

Friday, October 16, 2015

I am sharing this in hopes that it helps someone. There are many ways pornography has affected my life, this is just one of the ways. I like to focus on all my blessings (of which I have many); however, every now and then there is something I feel very strongly about that may not be as pleasant or comfortable to talk about. However, often those unpleasant things are the very things that need to be talked about most. This is one of those things. Way too many people tiptoe around the subject of pornography, and that fear of speaking out is enhancing the amount of porn-caused pain in the world drastically. We need to stop being afraid to talk. By sharing this story, I am very publicly saying that I am not afraid to open my mouth and declare that porn is evil, porn is dangerous, and porn kills love.   

The first time I really saw porn was when I was 17. 

I say "really" because it was the first time I saw it on purpose. 

In a desperate attempt to understand something that was done to me, I found porn. I never in a million years thought I would watch a porn video, but at the time it seemed like the only thing I could do.

His words, "You are supposed to like this" ran through my head over and over again as I typed. I didn't like it, I said it hurt, I said I wanted him to stop, and he said I was 'supposed' to like it?

I continued to type....

"Do girls like _____"

"Is ______ supposed to feel good?"

"Is something wrong with me if _____ hurts?"

With each search I conducted, my heart broke a little more. I hoped that someone out there on the vast internet world would tell me I didn't have to like _____ or that its okay if I don't want _____. I wish somewhere I found something that said that there was absolutely nothing wrong with me if the very thought of him made me want to throw up. But article after article, page after page, I was told people liked to be touched like that, and treated like this. 

This can't be true, I told myself. It's just words, people can say anything, that doesn't mean what they say is true. I wanted so badly for it to be a lie.

That's when I came upon the video.

Maybe if I saw it happening to someone else, maybe then I could see the truth in their eyes. It's hard to hide the truth if I look at their eyes, right?

I clicked play, and watched those girls faces, hoping that at some point I would see pain, at some point I would see fear, and at some point I would know that they didn't like it either. 

But all I saw was pleasure. 

I slammed my computer screen shut and sobbed. 

There WAS something wrong with me... not him... it was me, I knew it now. He said it, the internet said it, those girls showed it, and I believed it. I wouldn't have fought it if I had liked it the way I was supposed too. 

That one video set me on a very painful downward spiral. It was one thing to feel broken, but I believed with my whole heart that I truly was broken. 

I began to base my value off of how wanted I was, in hopes that one day, if enough people 'loved' me, I would love myself too. I let people use me, and I stopped saying no, even though I wanted to. 

Thankfully I started meeting people who treated me right, even when I didn't expect them too; people who respected me, even thought I didn't respect myself; people who convinced me I was whole, to the point that I stopped feeling broken. I started to consider that maybe everything I had read and seen was a lie. 

Then I met Ash. 

He was gentle, he was kind, he saw things in me that I didn't see in myself. He opened my eyes, fixed my heart and taught me to love myself again. He was the opposite of everything I had previously read and seen. He loved every broken piece of me. How I felt mattered to him but the thing was, I found that I never felt fear, or pain when I was with him.

He helped me realize that the only thing wrong with me was the fact that I ever let myself believe that horrible lie for so long.  

I know porn, and I know love and I can say with 100% conviction that nothing about them is similar. 

Porn is the worlds best con artist. Porn is convincing, porn is cunning, porn is good at what it does. Porn sells lies as easy as it steals truth. Porn leads you to question your beauty, your value, and your worth. Porn doesn't discriminate, it can hurt you at any stage and any age of your life. Porn is as appealing as it is deceitful. It destroys from the inside out by working from the outside in. You can access it freely, but it always comes with a price. Porn lies, it will always lie. Porn is the worlds most dangerous act, because it targets your soul and hijacks your mind. Porn targets loneliness, rejection and fear only to ensure even more loneliness, rejection, and fear. Porn teaches boys to treat girls like objects and girls to think that it is okay. It doesn't matter how smart you are, porn can trick you, it will trick you. It tricked me. 

I have experienced porn, and I have experienced love. So please believed me when I say that porn is many things, but it is not, nor ever will be, love.      






20 comments:

  1. I just want to say "Thank You". I've been reading your posts off and on for a while and what you say here is very powerful. I've just recently read up on the anti-porn movement and I agree wholeheartedly- porn sex does not even begin to reflect the beautiful acceptance and love God has designed for us in marital intimacy.

    We don't have it perfect- no one does- and while the specific anti-porn movement your shirt is from does not fight against porn for the sake of choosing God's design for us, I think it's a step in the right direction.

    I'm so sorry for what you have experienced. Thank you for your vulnerability with many absolute strangers. You've touched my heart, and I want to encourage you that regardless of the feedback you may receive (though I believe it will be positive) that you have been heard, and loved for what you have shared.

    Porn succeeds in destroying love through lies, and lies are revealed as such when they are brought to the light. Thank you for bringing the lies you have experienced to the light so others can see them for what they are and seek healing as well.

    God bless you and your precious family.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi,
      My name is Sarah Anik, some months ago I had s*x with the third guy in my life whom i was about to marry and now I have herpes. I couldn’t believe it because he wasn’t a random guy, he’s the closet guy I’ve had as a boyfriend, but it has been a never ending nightmare since. I’ve always believed in GOD and have asked him for forgiveness which is ironic.
      I felt like killing myself with the taught of having a husband and family will be quite difficult and i felt like I’m not really in the room when people are talking. I didn’t know what to do and pretty much cry and pray every day to God for help and looking at my family with so much love and feeling that i have disappointed them even though they don’t know. Until God lead me to DR. SOLUTION online who promised to help me cure my disease through herbals. At first i didn't believe him, but to my greatest surprise i was cured completely by herbals, which medical doctor also verified that i was cured. Special thanks to DR. SOLUTION.
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  2. You say Porn kills love. Is that true? I agree that Porn isn't and will never be love but in what way was it porn that killed love? I do not believe in this campaign although I do sympathize with what it's trying to say. Porn is like a gun, it can be very dangerous and harmful but in the end it was not the gun that pulled it's trigger.

    I think that people need to stop giving credit to porn for doing something when in reality it only takes. Porn doesn't kill love, a person's free agency after watching porn is what does that.

    "Porn is the best con artist" I believe porn is coning you still. I mean you're wearing a shirt that's advertising and reminding every poor hormonal kid (and adult) that porn's still out there and so easy to access.

    That argument might sound silly but I was once there. Talking out can help but it can also hurt that's why many avoid it. I don't think you've been fully held in the claws of pornography. I believe instead of sharing in such detail about your experience you should expand a little more on what people can do themselves to get help. That will help someone far more when their trying to forget about porn than reliving your addiction story in such high definition.

    You said your now husband saved you. Well, do you have any other ways to help those who are struggling with porn? Finding love seemed to just happened to you. How can others make love come into their lives when porn has such a strong hold on them? Not all of us can find a man like yours, not all of us should, and many of us have sunk far too deep into porn to be helped by a loving person alone.

    In the end you have to help yourself. How can people do that? Do you know? Do you know anyone who does? People are stupid, make your answer to simple and they'll say you don't understand, make it to detailed and they'll only use it to fall deeper into their problem.

    ReplyDelete
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    Thankfully I started meeting people who treated me right, even when I didn't expect them too; people who respected me, even thought I didn't respect myself; people who convinced me I was whole, to the point that I stopped feeling broken." THANK YOU for helping me to understand more fully how and why I act/think/feel the way I do sometimes. I'm grateful to have found your blog! <3

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