Sunday, June 1, 2014

Modest is NOT Hottest:

Growing up in a materialistic world is a challenge, I won't sugar coat it. Pretty much all of my self esteem issues can stem back to those moments I unwisely compared myself to some unrealistic expectation found on a magazine or makeup add, of what I should look like.

The fashion industry called for shorter shorts, and lower necklines; a bigger chest and thinner legs; perfectly shaped eyebrows, and a pencil thin waist. I was told constantly exactly what I needed to look like to be hot, to be desired, and to be sexy to my male counterparts.    

Well, there was one problem. I, being a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, believed in modesty. And pretty much 9 out of 10 outfits on the ads around me were anything but modest. This being considered, you can imagine my happiness when I first heard the phrase "Modest Is Hottest" at my Young Women church meeting. The idea that I could be modest AND hot was pretty appealing.

Or so it seemed.

It's been many years since I first heard that phrase, and I would like to share something I have learned after a combination of mistakes along with a whole chunk of trial and error on my part:

Modest Is NOT Hottest.

I'm coming out and telling you something I was never told, because it is something that needs to be understood.

If you want to be "hot" if you want to be "sexy" if you want to be "eye candy" you will not find that while keeping your shorts long, and necklines high.
Seductive eyes and enhanced body parts are "hot". 
Exposed stomachs and push up bras are "hot".
The teeny tiny bikini your mom would not let you buy is "hot". 
Unblemished, soft, hairless, skin showing bodies are "hot".

The idea that we can be virtuous and walk around looking "hot" at the same time does not add up. 

It does not happen.

We as women want to be loved, we want to be valued, we want someone to surprise us with roses, and write us cute love songs on their guitar, we want to be in love with a man we can call our best friend. But somewhere along the way we have been falsely led to believe that in order to be loved... in order to be valued, we need to be sexually appealing and that if we are appealing, that love we seek will come to us.

I've searched countless websites that defined the word "hot" in relation to women. Adjectives like "very good looking," "sexy," "easy on the eyes," "sexy clothes," "enticing," "intense sexual desire," came up. Not once did anyone connect "hot" with the desire to take a girl on a long walk, or to take her out just to get to know her asking nothing in return at the end of the date.

So, to the girls who inch up your skirt just a little higher than you should... To the girls who pull that shirt down a little too low... To the girls who give a little more than you should be giving, thinking you will get that love you so desperately desire, only to be told "it's not you, it's me" and left wanting what you gave back, feeling confused and broken...

Please listen to me.

I was once you.

I know what it is like to enjoy the attention I would get from the boys I knew. To hear my name be whispered among them, and feel set apart from other girls.

But I also know what its like to want to know deep inside if anyone would love me for "me" and not just how I look or the shape of my body.

I once found pleasure in being wanted, in being told I was hot. I once was willing to lower my standards a little bit every now and then to get approval from a cute boy.

I regret those moments. . . with my whole soul.

Because I know something now that I did not understand then. Something that if I did understand then... Would have prevented me from even the faintest desire to be that girl everyone wanted in that way.

I know what its like to be in love with my best friend. I know what it is like to have someone love every silly little part of me, even the ones that may annoy him at times. I know how good it feels to be told I am beautiful--even if I don't think I am. I know what it is like to laugh every day, even the bad ones, because he knows how to make me smile even when I'm hurting. I know how special it is to look at the man I love and see him looking back... every time.

But do you know what else I know? I know how hard it is to watch him live in a world full of sexual pollution and immodesty. I know how frustrating it is to be a wife in a world were girls seem to dress with less each year. Because as much as I hate to admit it, I know that every single guy is going to be affected in some way by the exposure around him.

Some will embrace it, seek it, and enjoy it. They will give you attention, they will make you feel special, and they will tell you how much they want you. And they will continue to tell you everything you want to hear, making you believe that they really care. But, once they get what they came for they will be content because they did not want anymore than that.  

But girls, I can promise you one thing. The guy you are going to want to be with, the guy who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated, is not going to be found with that mini skirt and low cut neckline. Because a guy like that will be saving his eyes only for you and because he is saving his eyes only for you, he will avoid people who make that very hard for him.

Don't be one of those people.

If you aren't congratulations--you are much wiser than I was sometimes. And, if you are please change.

Please change for yourself: you are worth much more than that. Do not think for one second that your value lays in the amount of guys who find you physically attractive.

Please change for the wives: the wives around you who you frustrate greatly (trust me, you do). Change for the wife who you eventually will be... Who if you don't understand what I'm saying now, will when you get married.

Please change for him: the man you will marry. Because to catch that guy I know and hope you want to catch and the guy you truly deserve, you need to be much more than a pretty face.

Maybe the problem is that we are trying to hard to be hot when we need to work on being beautiful.

Because a beautiful girl, one that is physically a mystery is much more appealing in the long run than the girl who bares it all.

There is a time and place to be hot, to be desired and to be sexy. And its not in the grocery store, at work, or at school. A truly wonderful man, who will treat you well, and love you forever, will want you to be beautiful for the whole world to see!

But... he will want you to be hot... only for him.

Save it for him.


780 comments:

  1. Replies
    1. So happy to hear that!! Thank you!

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    2. Your "fellow male counterparts"? I think you need to delete the word "fellow," or you're presenting yourself in one complicated fashion.

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  2. This is great. Thank you for posting.

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    1. Thank YOU for reading it then taking time to let me know you liked it!

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    2. Thank you for your wonderful post. I am the mom of twin daughters that will be graduating from high school tomorrow. This world is so crazy and industry standards make it very hard at times to find those modest clothes and still be stylish like your friends. Thank yu for sharing your post.

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  3. Awesome and true. Thank you!

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    1. Thank you! I'm so glad you enjoyed it.

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    2. Being a man I can say this article is exactly correct.

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  4. Natasha, this is wonderful what you have written and shared. Thank you, thank you!

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    1. Thank you so much! I've felt strongly about this for a while. I'm glad I could finally convey it in a way I felt expressed my feelings. Thank you for reading :)

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  5. Beautifully written. Thank you.

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  6. If only I could help my young women understand this. Thank you for wording it so perfectly. I just shared it all over the place!
    Sierra
    washingtontomexico.blogspot.com

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    1. Its a hard thing for girl to understand in their teens, especially in the world we live in. SO many different messages are thrown at them all at once! Thank you for sharing this! I love knowing more people will read it because of you!

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  7. Natasha,
    From a Mom of two beautiful daughters, and 1 beautiful daughter-in-law, thank you SO much for your frank post! I hope this makes it around the world twice! May you be blessed in all your endeavors.
    Much love,
    Krissy

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    1. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me! I tried to write this in a way that if someone had shared it with me as a teenager it would have helped me. I hope I did this and can touch girls and help them know what they are worth! Thank you for your comment. It is much appreciated. :)

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  8. Awesome, this is perfect for my 15-year old! Thank you!!!!!!

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    1. I feel so lucky that you would trust my words with your daughter. Thank you for reading, enjoying and commenting :)

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  9. This is totally on point! Thanks for this! :)

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    1. Thank you! I am so glad you agreed with it.

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  10. I'm so glad I'm not the only one who thinks this way! I love what you said about immodestly dressed girls distracting all men, no matter what their relationship status is (you said something to that affect). Sometimes I wonder if I'm the only married woman who sees married men's eyes straying to a girl showing too much skin, even if those straying eyes aren't intentional. It just happens. A funny thing is, is that I recently wrote a blog post about dress modestly too. It's at lifegavemelemonadeao.blogspot.com. Anyways. So thanks for being another voice for good in the world.
    ~Amanda

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    2. Wonderful thoughts! I see that same thing all the time... it is really sad that so many people think that it is okay for girls to dress that way... but also that it is not a big deal for men--especially married med--to look at them. It is not! I am glad you shared your blog link. I will check out your article/blog! Thank you for your comment and thoughts.

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  11. Beautiful words and oh so true.

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  12. This was great, Natasha. I totally and completely agree, but I was surprised to hear recently that many who aren't members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints don't really "get" what modesty means to us. They don't have the definition, so I have an assignment for you….Will you write a post of just what modesty means to members of the Church? I think it will be eye-opening to many. Thank you for what you've written here!

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    2. Thank you! That is a wonderful point you make. As members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints we do have a VERY different view on modesty. It is a higher standard that many have. What you suggested would make a very good follow up post to this article. I will see what I can do! Thank you for the great idea. I always love to hear what my readers would like me to write about. Thank you for your comment!!

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    3. yes, there are many members of the LDS church who don't think that modesty has anything to do with hemlines/rulers!

      Please read this article:
      http://jlgerhardt.tumblr.com/post/61400368299/why-i-hate-talking-about-modesty-and-why-i-do-it

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  13. I would like to respectfully suggest that the LDS obsession with female "modesty" borders on being a mental disorder, and that no matter what you may write, you do not nor probably *ever* will understand the meaning of "modesty."

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    1. I would love to hear your personal definition of modesty, if you would not mind sharing?

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    2. Sounds like another know it all "respectfully" (cough) throwing their opinion (facts in their own mind) around with nothing to back it up. It's not an "obsession" and it's not just "female". We teach our young men to be modest as well. But since you deem yourself an expert on "modesty" then why didn't you include your definition in your comment to "enlighten" us. Here is a wonderful young woman sharing something to better people's self image and trying to get girls to understand that they don't have to be sexy or sexual for just anyone and should save that for their husband...the one who will stay with them and love them no matter what, not the ones that will "love you and leave you" once they have what they want. And you have to trash on it. Why? What's what wrong with trying to make the world a better place? Because I think this article is wonderful for female morale-which makes the world a much better place.

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    3. It is somewhat an obsession, for some one who doesn't understand. So many members of the LDS church obsess over it but miss the point completely. The clothes I wear, their length and fit, have everything to do with promises I've made in the temple. The length is to cover sacred reminders of what I have taken part in, holy covenants. These reminders are very sacred to me. Before I went to the temple I tried to be modest for many reasons: I knew it was asked of me, pressure from obsessed members, protection from my own desires, etc. But it wasn't until I made promises in the temple that I really understood what it meant.
      It has nothing to do with the style of your clothing or the length of it. Modesty has everything to do with your OWN desires. I have plenty of friends who have not made the promises I'm referring to and these friends' clothes are very different than my own. But they could wear spaghetti straps or be shirtless, as it is in some of their cultures, and still be more modest than so many members out there.
      I'm glad that we want to 'save' it for him and all that, but I really believe that has so much more to do with our desires than the clothes on your back.
      The sooner we help members, of all ages, understand that modesty is also important in what you're thinking about, the sooner we will reflect that in how we act and dress. Modesty is a doorway, not a ruler.

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    4. Well said Anna. I've noticed many of my mom friends (who aren't LDS) don't wear knee length shorts nor do they always have sleeves on their shirts ... but they are still beautifully modest women. Modesty is not a ruler. Wonderful saying, I'm going to keep that one and use it as often as I can.

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    5. modesty is both, it is a way of thinking and a way of dressing. if you are half naked you can not say you are being modest. you you are a dirty talker who delights in morally disturbing things then you cannot say your are modest either. you have to do both. speak cleanly, think cleanly and dress cleanly.

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    6. Modesty is not following the fashions/fads of the world (umm Sexy Modest, anyone? or any other fad in Utah?), it is not drawing attention to onesself, it is not wearing costly apparell, costly accessories, homes, etc. To live modestly is to live below your means. To be appropriate in thought, word, grooming, and dress. Scriptural modest has nothing to do with hemlines.

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    7. Huzzah! I'm glad I'm not the only LDS reader who cringed while reading this. Modesty isn't about being looked at - it's a spiritual conviction manifested through the way one treats oneself. In the Joseph Smith days, "modesty" was about an internal way of being, similar in definition to meekness, and had nothing to do with hemlines and necklines and shoulder lines... this is a modern-day misconstruing of a spiritual goal, not a physical appearance.
      Finally, if we continue to insist that clothing DOES matter so much, we will continue seeing people who don't follow the "rules" - people in different cultures simply wear clothing that isn't designed for "modesty" and they haven't been taught that how they appear to others really matters so much. And, guess what? Their appearances DON'T matter so much! In our culture, we've accepted the lie that clothing matters so much, that we have resorted to judging others and tearing them down in our minds. That's called judging in the very worst way.
      We have got to change the conversation to "You are more than just a body to be looked at," rather than, "You are going to make guys sin and they already have a hard enough time." What an insult to all men, to suggest that they are incapable of seeing a woman as a person rather than as an object to be seen only - my husband is one of many examples of men who can see a bikini-clad woman and think, "She has a family, or an education, or friends... she has a STORY - she is a human," without ever once considering how she is dressed. Change the conversation from clothing to spiritual growth, and "modesty" takes care of itself.
      P.S. All babies are, like, totally immodest when they're born. Weird how we all think of birth as a spiritual experience when we're introduced to such a pure, loving, gentle soul WITHOUT CLOTHING ON...! *sigh* Clothing is a social construct. Okay, getting off the soapbox now. :)

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    8. I agree with your points Emily. The modest decisions one makes need to come from a spiritual conviction.... BUT - what if in the interim, young girls (and young men - who as much as we want to discredit comments given here - have scienctifically been proven to have different brain function when looking at half naked women compared to clothed women) do not yet have that spiritual conviction - and are still trying to find themselves in this big wide sinful world of ours. The church HAS brought out "for the strength of youth" pamphlet exactly for this reason (and the reasons explained by you about cultural differences). In an ever growing church with people from new cultures joining - it is wise to have a physical standard of dress - so as to not cause confusion. A little like when Jesus visited the Nephites and set down the law once and for all about the way to baptise. So in conclusion - I agree with the context of all your points... but also wanted to point out that the "for strength of youth" pamphlet is there for a reason and has been approved by our prophets for a wise purpose. On a side note - just turn off the tv and stop buying magazines girls..... we have done it in our home - and my mother did it in our home. There is more important things we can be doing than watch pop culture on tv.

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    9. Being a 17 year old girl, it was somewhat unsettling to hear that some of the women in the church are saying that "modesty is just a ruler"and that it's just what you feel on the inside. Would you really teach your ward's young women's group that same principle? Have you forgotten that "faith without works is dead"? Your person can't just be modest; so do the clothes. Last time I checked, the For Strength of Youth did not say! "You can wear a shorter skirt as long as you walk away from a dirty joke". It's both modesty on the outside and inside that we need to achieve. When I am about to wear something immodest, it's either because it's cute or because I think I'd be "hot". BUT when I choose not to wear it, I don't think, "I'm making it hard for boys", but I consider the thought of my standards that I have not only because I'm told, but because I believe that they are here for a reason. I choose not to because I want to say that I was modest before I got my garments. I choose to change my outfit so that my temple can be for myself and for my hubby. I am modest because I represent the Church of Jesus Christ of Later-Day Saints. I am modest because I am a daughter of God, and I should dress as such.

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    10. Kaelyn, and anyone else who might not have understood:
      I'm not talking about members choosing a lower standard. Like Emily said, it's about "changing the conversation."
      We are all children of God and I will always choose to respect His children no matter how they are dressed. My post is talking about not missing the mark.
      I hope to teach my very young daughters that modesty is about keeping promises with a higher purpose. Love of God, yes. Love/respect for self, yes. But in the temple, we are asked to keep the garments covered long before chastity is ever mentioned. All this sexy talk is really only one of the reasons we have the modesty guidelines that we do today. Modesty, in the length/style has changed with the times and adapted. My sister once thought, before entering the temple, that out might one day be possible to wear shorter shorts, as the LDS short length has shortened over the part 200 years. I told her that when she entered the temple she would understand why that knee placement is there. It has nothing to do with being sexy and everything to do with remembering the Savior.
      I hope to change the conversation from doing things because of other people to doing things from self found conviction. Gaining testimony is a personal journey and we all use different things as stepping stones. My hope is to help foster that conviction at sooner. My how is that my daughters will remember Christ and making choices because of Him rather than the magazine or overbearing obsessives who count their steps before choosing not to judge others for things they don't yet understand.
      Natasha's post it's beautiful and I respect everything she has to say, but it doesn't mention doing any of this because of remembering Christ. I want that to be included. I want the conversation to always come back to Him. Not the "because He said so" but the because I want to remember Him.
      I'm glad that you're modest before receiving your garments and I really hope that your example to others inspires them to follow because it makes them remember Christ, not because the want to fit in the Mormon community.

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    11. Anna,
      Can we be friends? I absolutely loved your comments! I have three daughters and realized that modesty was not taught correctly to them when one came home and said her non-member friend was making bad choices because she wore shirts without sleeves. Needles to say, I had to reevaluate what modesty really was. I love how you said it is remembering Christ. I finally decided to teach modesty this way: 1- We choose how we dress because we love and respect ourselves, first and foremost. 2- We dress so we can cover our temple garments, and respect them. And if we don't wear garments yet, if we dress to someday wear them, it won't we a hard adjustment when we do. Modesty to me is really about where your heart is. Do you love yourself, do you respect yourself, do you love Christ. In a lot of ways it has nothing to do with what you wear.

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  14. Thank you for sharing this! I know there are too many girls who struggle with these issues you mentioned. I myself can totally relate thinking back when I was a teenager. This is a good reminder for all. I hope this can be the means to help many girls understand the beauty and value in keeping modest. Thank you!

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  15. I still found the underlying message of this article to be: Dress nice so you don't tempt those poor boys. Then, like we found recently with the HS yearbook photoshopping, girls get covered inconsistently... while boys get carte blanche. It is a backward message that misplaces responsibility and confuses morals with mores' in such a way that shaming just becomes one more control measure.

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    1. I thought the same thing. Personally I don't wear low cut tops our high cut shorts/skirts. But that's my preference. however I don't think it's fair to request that other women dress as I do because boys will be boys and just can't help themselves. That's total bs. I live in Phoenix. It's hot. My husband respects me enough to not gawk at women who wear itsy bitsy bikinis. Oh, look! He has self control. Maybe we as women should stop body shaming each other for men's sake. They're not hapless idiots and they can control themselves. Wear what you want ladies. It's not what you look like that makes you modest. It's all in how you represent yourself through your behavior. Respect yourself and you'll attract a man who will do the same.

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    2. I agree with Amber. I don't wear short shorts or very low cut tops either. It isn't fair to request other females to change their outfits just so boys won't be tempted to look at them. How about find a man who won't gawk at other women? It isn't just about the clothes that you wear that make you modest. Its also your attitude and personality. I don't believe wearing a spaghetti strap shirt or shorts make you immodest.

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    3. I'm sorry but 'modesty,' I feel has very little to do with one's outward appearance and more to do with how the internal reflects outward. Dress how you want to, but stating that you are now somehow worth more than me because your shorts are a few inches longer than mine shows very little modesty in your thought process. (Not a personal attack on anyone, I'm just stating generally.) In fact stating that a woman is WORTH more when she is covered means that you are still objectifying her becuase you are placing a value on her head. This needs to stop. Women are not objects we are human beings capable of so much more than being a pretty decoration in some man's life. My worth as a human being has nothing to do with my appearance.
      Natasha: I respect that you dress in a way that you find appropriate and comforatable to you, thats great please continue to do this; follow your beliefes whatever they may be. However I find that this post did nothing to change the discussion, as you stated you were attempting to do. What you are doing here is appyling your beliefes to those that dont share yours and essentially calling them worthless becuase they prefer to dress differently than your standards allow. There is a bigger world out there, and what one society calls 'modest' theres another that finds it 'slutty' and highly innapropraite.

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  16. Well, I don't see any guys commenting on this...so I thought I would. I want to thank you for these words...because I never liked the phrase "Modest is Hottest." When other guys would refer to other women as "hot," I honestly could only think of it as a degrading term. I am not interested in "hot" women. That is not appealing to me at all. I am looking for someone I can spend a righteous life with, and progress into the eternities. Girls who go around trying to look hot don't really send that message to me, and I leave them alone. I thought this post was spot on. All Latter-day Saint women should read it!

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  17. Reading this now , you just described exactly who I am , who I want to be. I'm glad that someone out there understands , that someone has been through exactly what I've gone through , what I'm going through. Thank you for writing this :) It seriously makes me realize that what I'm trying to get from a guy is not what I really do want. Being sixteen is hard , because right now it seems like having a boy is important , especially when all my friends around me have guys that they are constantly loving , but I know that I dont need to lower my standards to be what they want. Maybe one day I'll be able to change. &I know that if someone as pretty as you can think this way , then so can I.

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    1. Sweetie - please take these words of advice from a former modesty-obsessed woman who is now happily married to her dream guy:

      Modesty isn't about everyone else. It isn't about keeping the boys around you "pure." Modesty is about YOU.

      Do not accept the lie that you have some sort of weird mind control powers. You don't. It is NOT, I repeat, N.O.T. your fault if a boy looks at you and has sexual thoughts. This message, I hope, sinks deeply into your mind and heart. It is true, and only truth can speak to the heart so clearly.

      Dear Natalia, you are MORE than just a hot body to be admired! You are strong, courageous, loving, kind, and clearly you feel empathy - and you are a daughter of a King, even a daughter of Heavenly Father and Mother. These are not "just" attributes - they are a major part of what makes you, you!

      Please, lovely girl, take a few minutes and read this message. http://www.beautyredefined.net/modest-is-hottest-the-revealing-truth/

      It's such a vital message for you at this incredibly important and formative time in your life. Do not accept the lies that have been told to you through social constructs and media outlets such as magazines, movies, and countless advertisements: Your reflection does not define your worth.

      Big hugs, and extra love for you. If you need a friend while you're going through your difficult teenage years, you can always send me a message. <3

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    2. Emily, I think we could be friends! I read this post and the first part wasn't bad. Modest is hottest does stink as a motto. But then the post became the same old "Ladies, please cover yourselves so my husband and other makes don't have bad thoughts"
      This is not healthy. This is not us controlling ourselves. This is not what we should be teaching our kids.
      I agree with everything you've said, Emily!
      I am not meaning to offend the original blogger. We all have good intentions, but we really have got to move past this dressing so guys don't have sexual thoughts. I try hard to teach my sons that girls are not objects, that they are people with thoughts and feelings, no matter what they are wearing. Yes they have a body, that's why we are here right?! Acknowledge and move on when you notice. "She has a body. Oh look, she has a face too! She is saying interesting things..." I jest but you get what I mean. Let's stop putting this on girls. If you want to teach them modesty teach them to respect themselves and their own body, for no reasons except to respect the gift that our bodies are and to be happy. Not for anyone else, not because of anyone else. Modesty is much more than dress. Synonyms of modesty are unpretentious, simple, plain. Hmmmm, not exactly the "wear a layers shirt under a sleeveless dress" definition many people have.

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    3. Emily and Crystal, I can see where you both are coming from. As a guy who is trying to live virtuously in a society that has seemed to sexualize everything, it can be rough to go against every message I hear and try to ignore every impulse to do what I know isn't right. And you're right that it isn't the responsibility of any woman for what a man thinks or feels, I can promise you that it helps when women are selfless enough to help us out, especially when no one else does.

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    4. Mike, why don't you be selfless enough to help us out and stop spreading the message that women need to cover up so men can "live virtuously"? The second Article of Faith reads that "Men will be punished for their OWN sins." That means that women are not responsible for your thoughts no matter what they are or aren't wearing. This is an excerpt from Jeffrey R. Holland's devotional "Of Souls, Symbols, and Sacraments":

      "In this matter of counterfeit intimacy and deceptive gratification, I express particular caution to the men who hear this message. I have heard all my life that it is the young woman who has to assume the responsibility for controlling the limits of intimacy in courtship because a young man cannot. What an unacceptable response to such a serious issue! What kind of man is he, what priesthood or power or strength or self-control does this man have that lets him develop in society, grow to the age of mature accountability, perhaps even pursue a university education and prepare to affect the future of colleagues and kingdoms and the course of the world, but yet does not have the mental capacity or the moral will to say, "I will not do that thing"? No, this sorry drugstore psychology would have us say, "He just can't help himself. His glands have complete control over his life--his mind, his will, his entire future."

      To say that a young woman in such a relationship has to bear her responsibility and that of the young man's too is the least fair assertion I can imagine. In most instances if there is sexual transgression, I lay the burden squarely on the shoulders of the young man--for our purposes probably a priesthood bearer--and that's where I believe God intended responsibility to be. In saying that I do not excuse young women who exercise no restraint and have not the character or conviction to demand intimacy only in its rightful role. I have had enough experience in Church callings to know that women as well as men can be predatory. But I refuse to buy some young man's feigned innocence who wants to sin and call it psychology.

      Indeed, most tragically, it is the young woman who is most often the victim, it is the young woman who most often suffers the greater pain, it is the young woman who most often feels used and abused and terribly unclean. And for that imposed uncleanliness a man will pay, as surely as the sun sets and rivers run to the sea."

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  18. As a Father and Grandfather thank you for this. I am sharing it with all my 20 grandchildren. Very well put.

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  19. nope, nope, nope, aaaaannnndddd nope! this is the absolute WRONG message! how boys 'desire' you is not your responsibility, you do not own their thoughts. if they are respectful men they will see you as a person whether you are naked as a jaybird or wearing a long sleeve ankle length dress and they won't obsess over how 'hot' you are. you are simply a person, if you hit it off great, if not oh well--you're still a person--. This post sends the wrong message to girls that somehow it is their responsibility to 'cover up' or they will end up with the wrong guy. how about we teach them to be comfortable in whatever they are wearing and however they look, and not to hang around with boys that are stupid and shallow (then teach our own boys to respect women as PEOPLE not bodies!) shaming girls for showing their bodies and trying to teach them that their value as a woman depends on how much skin they ARENT showing is naïve at best and downright abusive at worst. start teaching these young women NOW that rather than relying on a boy's approval they need to be happy with who they are for themselves, and dress in what makes them happy. dont go looking for boys who will love you only if you are fully dressed to their standard of 'modesty'--THAT is a sure way to end up with a controlling porn addict who you will end up miserable with in 5 years-- a real man will love YOU no matter what you wear!!! they type of person you are is NOT what you wear.

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    1. Parker - perfectly said! :)

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    2. you obviously are not a man and have no idea how the mans brains works- men are visual. this means that they are lead by what they see. what you wear plays a huge role in what thy think. a man,boy, adolescent, teenager is not going to look at a sports illustrated addition and say" wow she must be really smart" no noooope and no!

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    3. if you have ever seen pinterest and seen how re-pinning pictures of Ryan Gosling has been known to take down websites, you would know that women are visual creatures as well. This is bull.

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    4. "respectful men they will see you as a person whether you are naked as a jaybird or wearing a long sleeve ankle length dress". Reality check, please. Her thesis is that "modest is hottest" is a misguiding, misleading statement, that sends dangerously mixed messages, and she's right on. The way women (and, as Kristine pointed out, men) dress and behave does have effects upon others, and anyone that denies it is tendering a poisonously flawed falsehood.

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    5. Jones, I am a man and agree with Parker completely. You sound like you can't control yourself and need women's help or you will constantly go after women who will let you have meaningless relations with them and go to the Telestial Kingdom. Guess what? It is not their responsibility! It is yours so knock off the I am a man and I know men can't control themselves, crap! YOU CONTROL YOURSELF and the way a woman dresses is totally up to her. I married a woman that looks very sexy in anything, so men will look at her no matter what so they had better be able to control themselves!

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    6. I 100% agree with Parker. It is a huge problem in the LDS church that girls are taught it is their responsibility to keep boys thoughts clean. Its not. Girls should only think about respecting themselves not keeping your husbands thoughts clean. Why dont the men have to take any accountability for what thoughts they have. Im sorry i know you had good intentions in writting this, but articles like this perpetuate this way of thinking. I will never tell my daughter to dress a certain way based on what is best for men?!

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    7. Standing ovation for Parker and all others who can freely admit that modesty isn't their number one criteria for viewing a person as a person! We are all capable of better. Bravo!

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    9. Yes, girls should not be taught that it is their responsibility to dress modestly so the boys can keep their thoughts clean. But it is important for girls to understand that boys' minds do go in that direction more easily and frequently. I remember my brother took a girl to a dance and she wore a backless dress. He didn't know where to put his hands, which was extremely awkward for him! I think it's important to be respectful of each other. There is nothing wrong with teaching girls to help the boys out by not making them feel awkward or making things more difficult for them. Yes boys should be taught self control! But is it so wrong to teach girls about how immodest dress can affect a boy's mind? Aren't we all supposed to be helping each other to make good choices? I do agree that girls should not be taught that a boy's thoughts are a girl's responsibilty, but she certainly does not need to make things harder for him!

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    10. Exactly! The author of this article may think she is doing good, but in reality, she is perpetuating rape culture. I was especially disturbed my this line, "the guy who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated, is not going to be found with that mini skirt and low cut neckline." What is this saying? That guys should either look at a female that doesn't meet up to the LDS church's modesty guidelines and thus deem her unworthy of his time, interest or affection, simply because of her clothing? Even worse- that he does not have to treat such a woman with respect? He can treat her as a lesser human being because of how she is dressed? Please stop continuing such ideas, they are harmful to men and women and especially to an impressionable younger generation.

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    11. I completely agree, Parker. A man is responsible for his own thoughts regarding women and they really have nothing to do with hemlines or shirt straps. Even in the Victorian era, men were undressing women with their minds and rapes and assaults occurred - and I am pretty sure it had nothing to do with the length (or amount) of the women's clothing.

      Until we start teaching our children (men AND women) that they alone are responsible for their actions, nothing is going to change. This also includes teaching our girls that their inherent value has to do with who they ARE, not what they look like or how they dress. I've been in the same places as the author; for a long time the way I equated self-value and "love", was to have men 'want' me. But, in reality, all I really wanted was someone to love me, unconditionally. Until I met my husband and learned what real love is, and learned to love myself, I didn't think the way I dressed or presented myself really mattered. But it does. However, telling women that the answer to the wandering eyes of men is to cover themselves up, is faulty. Women *should* be able to wear whatever they feel comfortable in without having to worry about a man's reaction.

      Oh, and I also agree with Kim's comment, above. This line of thought does indeed perpetuate rape culture - holding the woman responsible for the actions of men.

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  20. It was an interesting read and a powerful statement! Thank you for taking the time to share it. I'm glad I found your blog!

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  21. Girls - you are NOT in charge of the thoughts and actions of men, no matter how you choose to dress. If a man thinks bad thoughts about you, or worse, acts out on those thoughts without your permission (ie. sexual harassment, assault, and even rape) it is NOT your fault - even if your shirt is low-cut and your skirt is short. A REAL man has control over his thoughts and actions without having to blame them on how a woman is dressed. This idea leads to a culture where victims of harassment, assault and rape are somehow to blame, because they were so "HOT" that a man simply could not control himself around them. (I have heard more than one instance where a woman who has been assaulted is turned into the victim because of how she was dressed - and this is not ok!!) If you wish to dress "modestly", do so because it is the way you feel most comfortable and want to dress. Please don't give in to the idea that it is your fault if a man chooses to disrespect you.

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    1. they may not be in charge of them but they can certainly have a huge influence on them. if you don't respect yourself i.e. by covering up those parts that are mot precious then how can you ever expect someone else to respect you?

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    2. Thanks, Jones. The "it's all men's fault" arguments are as silly as the "it's all women's fault" perspectives.

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    3. Jones, you have fallen victim to Satan's lies if you think you don't have to respect someone who is not covering up all of their body. We don't respect people because they cover their bodies - we respect people because they are CHILDREN OF GOD NO MATTER WHAT THEY WEAR.

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    4. A couple comments below: He said it best...

      "I am a happily married LDS man with two boys. Perhaps my opinion is no more important than another, however it comes from a different point of view. I, like others, liked what you had to say. I did not get from your well written words, that you were placing blame on any woman for the uncontrolled thoughts of a man looking upon imodesty. I feel that many women dress in short shorts, with plunging neck lines, and bearing more skin than necessary, with the intent to capture a mans attention. I agree that those women are not responsible for the thoughts of on-lookers, but humor me with an analogy. A matadore flashes the red cape in front of a bull knowing full well that there will be a crowd pleasing reaction. Otherwise why flash the colorful cape at all? I have taught both of my boys about respecting women. They start by treating there Mom in the same maner which I do...opening doors, walking on the outside nearest the curb, looking her in the eye when having a conversation, carrying the heavy loads. I am teaching my boys to control their thoughts and respect women... My hope is that Mothers are teaching their daughters to respect my sons by not flashing the red cape in hopes of a reaction. My boys are indeed owners of their own thoughts and actions, but why would you want to test their resolve to do so? Just an opinion... I am a father that hopes his sons are respected in return for the respect they give."

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    5. As a mother of four boys I couldn't agree more. I also teach my boys to respect women and to conduct themselves as gentleman no matter what a women is wearing. I too hope that my boys can be respected in return for the respect they give. We are all responsible for our own thoughts and actions in this life, but we can also help each other.

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  22. I actually think that this is a bad thing to teach girls. It is not the woman's responibility for a man's dirty thoughts. Women should dress how they feel, and not be weighed down by judgement from their peers. If a married man (and yes i am married) looks
    At a woman and thinks she is hot, or starts having dirty thoughts in any way, that is not the woman's problem. We should be teaching our BOYS to respect women more, and appreciate them for who they are.It is the same thing right now that is going around about women being raped, and that it was their fault because of what they were wearing. NO! Definately not. We should be teaching our girls to dress how they feel comfortable. There are obvious limitations in each family and to each person on what they want to wear. But saying that a woman is responsible for other people's thoughts is just cruel.In reality as well, telling a girl she is not dressed as modestly, or its their fault for other people's thoughts is simply unfair. In alot of studies this factors into adolescent depression, and many times suicide.

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    1. thats where you are wrong. there is a right way to live and be happy. it is choosing the right everyday. this is a lie that satan tries to teach the world.

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    2. Except Satan doesn't exist. It's convenient to have someone to blame but he's like Santa Claus or the Easter Bunny. Sorry.

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    3. But what is right and wrong and based upon our own persinal belief systems. It is hard to know what is morally right or wrong when cultures across the world define it differently. I do not think that dressing a certain way makes you any better or any happier. You dress and act the way that makes you feel happy and right. Judging someone based upon what they are wearing opposed to who they are is wrong. I honestly think that is one of the worst things you can do. I say, dress how you want to, and let others dress the way they want. And dont kid yourself into thinking that you
      Are responsible for other people's thoughts, and if you get a dirty thoight yourself, that its the other person's fault.

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    4. I am not trying to say that if you believe that you should dress modestly than you shouldnt. What im saying is that just because it is your belief to do this, does not mean that everyone should need to. We all have the freedom to choose, and we should express that individually. Maybe its just because i live in utah, but dressing modestly here is among the same pressures as social media. If you do not look a certain way,you become an outcast and people automatically make assumptions about you. Many people on here have stated that conforming to the "slutty" look is a bad thing. I believe falling under society's pressure (this society's pressure) is a bad thing if it isnt within your personal moral code, or belief system. I am not against people dressing modestly, or immodestly. 9out of 10 times i will wear something with sleeves, it just depends on how i feel. But i can still wear that tank top without feeling immodest. But again. With so many different cultures and religions, what is modest? What is immodest?

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    5. I just wanted to say thank you for providing this fresh insight! I'm a young girl who personally shares these beliefs VERY strongly and it gives me hope that there are men out there that share some of my core values :) My comment on the article is down below if you'd like to take a look, thanks again, this made my day!

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  23. This is great post! Thanks for sharing this. I have always been a big fan of my shorty shorts but now that I have gotten older ( I'm only 19 haha) I feel like very short shorts are overrated! And don't pay any attentions to the negative comments especially the long one couple above mine because this is just your opinion and they feel like your opinion is wrong and theirs is right!! Again thanks for the great message!!

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    1. Ditto. People can share opinions, but don't let them change yours. :-)

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  24. Excellent points. Thanks for your perspective.

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  25. I think this is a valiant attempt - but it's off the mark. Modesty isn't about hemlines, never has been never will be. Even in the LDS culture, we are looking beyond the mark if we think so.

    Please, please, please read this article:

    http://jlgerhardt.tumblr.com/post/61400368299/why-i-hate-talking-about-modesty-and-why-i-do-it

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    1. Kristine, I definitely understand the point you're trying to make, but to me it feels a lot like justification of sin. God has asked women to dress modestly. I think He knows a little more than we do on the matter. It's not that we're obsessed with hemlines, it's because we understand that when God asks us to do something, we do it because we understand that He knows more than we do. We do it because we understand who we are as His children. We understand that He loves us and wants us to be happy. I dress modestly because I don't want others to feel uncomfortable in my presence, boys and girls. Let's be honest, who wants to see another woman's boobs or midriff or thighs? Dressing modestly is an outter symbol of our inner devotion. People who are not in the church don't dress that way and are still great modest people, they just weren't taught the same things we were in the Church.
      I may get attacked for blind obedience on this one, but please remember, I do these things because I can see, not because I blindly follow. As members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, we promised at baptism and each week when we partake of the Sacrament that we would take the name of Jesus Christ upon us and always follow Him. That means obeying his commandments, even when we don't understand them.
      To me, the principle of modesty isn't so much about "controlling the thoughts of men" (which I do believe we have a large affect on because I've talked to so many men about this and they say it does make it more difficult to have virtuous thoughts when girls dress immodestly), its about keeping the covenants I've made and my belief that God speaks to us through living prophets who have asked us to dress modestly.
      Like the author of the blog, I've tried to be hot. I like living the gospel and obeying tbe commandments more. It's about resprespecting respecting yourself as well as helping g others respect you. Yes, we are all God's children and should love each other no matter what. But we're all human and first impressions are important. We should help others respect us, not make them search for it.
      Remember, just because it's popular today doesn't mean that wrong is right.

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  26. You are beautiful in and out. Thank you for your words. Such wisdom and truth and help.

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  27. P.s. let the haters keep on hating. That's what THEY are...haters. but you have written an wonderful post.

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    1. Amen, Rebecca!! The endless rants here are beyond ridiculous.

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  28. Thank you for your thoughts, I couldn't agree more and I say this coming from the perspective of an incredibly happily married man. By no means am I, or my wife, a prude or easily offended, but I think we all share the responsibility of finding the "beautiful" in people rather than being distracted by the "hot." Thank you again!

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  29. Thank u for your inspiring words. I loved reading this.

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  30. Wait, you write a post about how we shouldn't place our value on trying to be hot . . . but then I see an ad on the side of your blog that says you are selling wraps? What is that if not spending $ *only* to look hot? mixed message.

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    1. Don't be judgmental. Most of the people I wrap (because I too sell wrap and worry about people misunderstanding the point) do so because their skin is stretched out and uncomfortable due to pregnancy or weightloss and don't feel comfortable in their own skin. Most of these women wouldn't dress in a way that anyone would even know they had wrapped. But the change that takes place tightening and toning the skin help them feel comfortable for themselves. Whether it's in at t shirt or swimming suit. There will be those who use it thinking it will make them hot but it's not so much for them. It's for the people who want to use it with a healthy lifestyle to heal their body.

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  31. I am a happily married LDS man with two boys. Perhaps my opinion is no more important than another, however it comes from a different point of view. I, like others, liked what you had to say. I did not get from your well written words, that you were placing blame on any woman for the uncontrolled thoughts of a man looking upon imodesty. I feel that many women dress in short shorts, with plunging neck lines, and bearing more skin than necessary, with the intent to capture a mans attention. I agree that those women are not responsible for the thoughts of on-lookers, but humor me with an analogy. A matadore flashes the red cape in front of a bull knowing full well that there will be a crowd pleasing reaction. Otherwise why flash the colorful cape at all? I have taught both of my boys about respecting women. They start by treating there Mom in the same maner which I do...opening doors, walking on the outside nearest the curb, looking her in the eye when having a conversation, carrying the heavy loads. I am teaching my boys to control their thoughts and respect women... My hope is that Mothers are teaching their daughters to respect my sons by not flashing the red cape in hopes of a reaction. My boys are indeed owners of their own thoughts and actions, but why would you want to test their resolve to do so? Just an opinion... I am a father that hopes his sons are respected in return for the respect they give.

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    1. thank you for sharing your thoughts.

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    2. Interesting way to write that...I would be a little careful with that analogy, it sounds all too similar to the ever so famous "If you put meat in front of a dog..." analogy commonly linked to victim blaming. You do raise a valid point, and you did it respectfully-which is a breath of fresh air to people like me who can often feel automatically put on the defensive for my slightly less than popular beliefs-and I applaud you for that. However, though some girls do dress more provocatively for a reaction, others dress that way for themselves and because they are comfortable in those clothes, which is a choice that they make for themselves and that should be respected just as much as the girls who choose to dress more conservatively. Just food for thought. Cheers! :)

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    3. Amen Michael! The people who swear up and down that girls aren't responsible for guys' thoughts are completely missing the point of modesty.
      of course we aren't accountable for anyone else's thoughts, but the Lord still asks us to be modest and it is our duty to do our part in supporting our priesthood holders as they strive to worthily fulfill their roles as such. People who are so adamant about the incorrect focus of "we aren't responsible for men's thoughts" are way off base and don't understand the importance of their role as women and don't understand what God has asked of them. And that is, simply put, just sad.
      Men and women in the gospel should be doing their part to help and support each other in being worthy to be in the Lord's presence. That's where the emphasis should be.

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  32. Growing up for me it seems like sex in general was a very taboo word and feeling. I always felt guilty feeling emotional attraction because I would look at a girls body and think of how great she looked but scolding myself for even looking. Since then, reflecting many times on the matter, it seems silly to me. Physical attraction is necessary to find a spouse, but you have to know how to control the feelings of attraction. "Bridling your passions" once seemed like it meant "don't feel anything" instead of "control your feelings and act and think appropriately." It's normal to have sexual desires, and they shouldn't be repressed, just represented appropriately, Modesty being one of the appropriate methods.

    A story my mentor once told me. He was on his mission somewhere in Europe and Gordon B. Hinckley came to his mission and he had the chance to walk and talk 1 on 1 with the future president of the church (at the time an apostle). They lost their way and turned into a very bad part of town, and there were signs and pictures of naked/nearly naked women, and President Hinckley saw a sign as they turned the corner and said, "That poor girl," Instead of seeing them as sexual objects, he saw people to be loved who were doing the wrong things. Sex isn't a bad thing, just very sacred.

    I really love this article,

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  33. I love this, it's so true. I was fortunate to be friends with a lot of guys in high school and first-hand saw their disappointment when a girl they once liked decided to go for the "hot" standard instead of striving for modesty. I am so glad that they taught me that being modest can actually lead you to the attention you really want from a guy, and it definitely lead me to my husband!

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  34. Thank you for sharing this. I usually don't read through the comments of blogs and I have to say I'm rather shocked at some of the comments. I would have never suspected anything but positive responses. I'm a yw's president in California and have had this exact conversation with many of my girls. I hate the way they throw around the word "sexy" and will share you blog post with them. THANK YOU!

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  36. My beautiful daughter was born 4 months ago and I want her to know that she is beautiful. I don't want society to tell her she must be a certain way in order to get attention or be considered desirable. As she grows I want her to understand first that she is a daughter of God and second that her morals and standards and character will make her more attractive than a short skirt or revealing shirt ever will. Thank you for this beautifully written post!

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  37. Thank you! Something always felt a little "off" when I would hear that phrase, "modest is hottest". You put into words what I have felt all along. Why would Daughters of God strive to be "hot" while obtaining modesty? They just don't go together at all. Daughter of God, modesty, beautiful. Now those go together!!

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  38. I think this is correct. you might want to go into a bit more detail on a few things that have already been mentioned, like Modesty exact meaning ect. however the point is on. to the disaproving persons commenting: I am a man. when I was first married I had to explain to my "innocent" wife that every man has sexual desire and is constantly tempted no matter how pure his mind set is. any man who says different is lying or does not understand his body/mind. true that every man and women must learn to control their own thoughts, however, can we stop every unintentional thought that comes into our minds? no. because the subconscious will pick up on the carnal desire hence the "dirty thought" that creeps in... the difference between a chaste man and a indecent one is the man that learns to quickly and efficiently dismiss or replace those thoughts with good ones, overriding the subconscious carnal mind with the purified cognoscente one. whether we like it or not, our actions affect everyone in any small or large way... when women dress "slutty" it sends a "slutty" text message -if you will- to the mans brain. he then must choose to read it or not, to put it simply. and visa versa for the female. sure, someone else thoughts are not our responsibility but they are subjects of actions or appearances. example #1 first impressions. example #2 offenses. example 3# opinions. (side note: have you ever noticed a women in a very public place with a very short skirt on that every so often reaches down and tries to stretch it down a little seemingly to cover up just a bit more? in my opinion our conscience will tell us when it is the proper time to be "sexy") true healthy relationships understand this.

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    1. My marriage is healthy and my husband can now look at women at the beach and NOT think about her bikini. How is he able to accomplish this incredibly difficult feat? By seeing women not as objects, but as people. He has trained his mind to see women, regardless of attire, as HUMAN BEINGS with stories and families and friends and lives. He doesn't see them as tempting vixens out to sabotage his mind, because he has complete control. This is what our living prophets and apostles have taught us through countless messages on pornography addiction; it is absolutely something that we can do something about! Your reflection does not define your worth; neither does the viewpoint of anybody else.

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    2. Nathan, I agree with you 100%. It is hard to have constant virtuous thoughts when someone is half dressed. Men need to control their thoughts. And women can help that, even though they are not responsible for mine our yours.
      And Emily. I am glad that you have a healthy marriage, and that your husband is never tempted. But, that is an extraordinary feat. I have been lucky enough to be surrounded by righteous priesthood holders my entire life. They have counseled me of the difficulty of controlling ones thoughts when faced with tempting scenarios and explained how we need to be like Joseph. Run away and don't even think about the temptation. Now, I do agree with some of your previous comments about how men need to control their thoughts and the women are not responsible for how they think. But, they can help with the process. In my opinion I have found that it is much easier to interact with women who are dressed more modestly.

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  39. I really enjoyed this! Well said! I would like to say I think the term hot is also used as cool, hip, or in style. So I think when the Yw leaders are using those terms they are trying to teach that for LDS girls Modesty is in, cool, and our unique style. They want girls to know that when a boy says modest is the hottest he thinks modesty is the BEST, cooler (more appealing) than not being modest. But I do like your point!! And I see the mistake in girls, women, moms (including myself here too) that we want to be hot but while being modest. And you are absolutely right on. It's not or shouldn't ever be about that! I loved the persons comment on our homes, dress, clothes should be modest as is not costly and showey but within and beneath our means. You rock!! Thanks for writing this!

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  40. So women who do not dress "modestly" are only dressing that way to get attention from men? No way they could be dressing that way because it's hot outside, or they like they way they look in that short skirt, or because they just freaking dress they way they want.

    And women who dress immodestly are incapable of being loved for anything more than their bodies?

    This post promotes rape culture, where women are seen as nothing more than their appearance and are responsible for the thoughts and actions of men. Screw body policing. How about we just let women wear whatever makes them feel good about themselves instead of shaming them.

    There is so much judgement and overgeneralizations in this post. Although, I guess I shouldn't have expected anything more from a self-righteous mormon. Sorry for the harsh words, I'm sure you're a lovely person, but I disagree with almost everything you said.

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    1. just proving her point in the manner of your speech. it's all about respect. to think you can do whatever you want without consequence or repercussion is very ignorant.

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    2. But if you think about this, it is also very close minded to think that there is only one way to dress, and this one way is the only way to gain respect. SHe may have had some harsh words, but what she was trying to get across is true. This type of thinking does promote rape culture, and it is a very unhealthy way of thinking. If you want this for yourself, awesome. not everyone feels this same way, and it shouldnt be something that has to be applied to everyone. Because that is a personal right that should not be taken away, and even more than that, it is a personal belief.

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    3. I do agree with this reply (and I would love to have a conversation sometime, as it's hard being a teenager and finding other openly-feminist people who share my values as strongly and you seem to!) but I have noticed that I'm usually able to make more of an impact if I choose my words carefully, in order not to offend. If you don't put them on the defensive right away, they're far more likely to listen :) I tried to do this in my reply, which is down below...but once again, I strongly agree with you!

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    4. Mallory, perhaps you just had a bad day when you wrote that comment, or maybe you have been judged one too many times on the subject of modesty. I don't know. But you do not have the right to engage in personal attacks. It's one thing to disagree, which is totally fine. But insulting the author on her opinion is not appropriate. If you do not like the article then stop reading and go read something that coincides with your beliefs.

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    5. Mallory - Your comment is the most ignorant and rude that I have read (and there have been some bad ones!).
      Whether or not the author's backround was faith based or not, she is SPOT ON!
      I can assure you that the vast majority of impressionable tween/teens (which is who she is addressing) are NOT dressing like tramps because its HOT OUTSIDE or because they like the way they look - it IS because they see that young male peers (who are not yet in control of their hormones) DO look at that.
      As a man, let me tell ya - MEN do NOT respect a girl that dresses like that. It might catch our eye - and some men might "temporarily" take the bait, but MOST men actually think, "do I want to introduce her to my mom?" OR, "do I want someone like this raising my kids?"
      To believe that simply turning off the TV if someone doesn't like what they see is moronic - it infects the entire culture ESPECIALLY THE YOUTH...they are the most impressionable who will adopt trends and values - it can NOT be turned off...these little girls go to school and the majority of them ARE dressing/acting based on what they see on TV - which is what the author was addressing. She was reflecting on how she felt to be one of the few girls who dressed conservatively.
      And suggesting that this article promotes "rape culture"??? I almost feel sorry for your ignorance - and God forbid you ever raise a daughter, have mercy!

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  41. I think that modest is hottest still stands after talking to my husband. He said he never wanted to date a woman who didn't dress modestly because he knew she didn't respect her own body. Do if he never dated them, he would never marry them, he would never have sex with them. Since you described hot as someone you want to have sex with modest us hottest for some men.

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  42. Seriously amazing blog entry. I don't know you but thank you. Hope you don't mind that I shared it on my facebook

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  43. Thank you for writing this! As a mother of only sons, the "modest is hottest" has always bothered me. You put it so very well. I am saving this and pondering how I can help young women be beautiful, not hot, for our sons and husbands.

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  44. of course moddest isn't hottest haha. it's just a catchy saying that rhymes.

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  45. I agree, hotness is not the end goal of modesty. One point I disagree on, though: As a wife I don't get frustrated by the way women around me dress, but by how married men feel entitled to an eyeful of a woman, regardless of how well or poorly she fits a certain definition of modesty. My husband and I don't have different standards; I can't ogle tan men in tuxes with rakish 5 o'clock shadows, and he can't linger longer on cleavage at the beach OR pretty girls in turtlenecks and maxi skirts.

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    1. Yes, each of us has the responsibility for where we look. If something catches our attention we raise our eyes to their eyes and remember they are a fellow child of God. If Ryan Gosling takes his shirt off in front of me, I don't get to ogle him. This is not a "well, men will be men and boys will be boys" sort of thing. God challenges us to be more than that.

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    2. I love this comment! Exactly. Sometimes the double standard does fall the way of the women. If a guy takes off his shirt or even is just well dressed and dashing, women say so and no one thinks anything of it. If a guy did the same it is ogling. On the flip side if a guy takes his shirt off he isn't immodest, no matter his intentions for doing so. If a girl wears something that is seemed too revealing she must be trying to attract attention and is now putting bad thoughts into others minds.
      The point is that we are all responsible for our thoughts. They are many temptations in this world and we are here to show we can resist them, not shame others for our thoughts. We can acknowledge that we are sexual beings with bodies. But we can also be more than that. It is but a small part of who we are. Noticing that someone is good looking; that is normal, if we linger on those thoughts we need to check ourselves. It happens no matter how people are dressed and if others say differently they are kidding themselves. We are in charge of controlling our thoughts and actions. Modesty isn't just about dress.

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  46. Please contact me via email. I'd like to interview you for theculturalhall.com. Richie T. Richie@theculturalhall.com

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  47. As a teenage girl who is frustrated with the standards of the world I really really needed to read this and I love and appreciate every word of it!! Thank you!

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  48. Though a beautiful love story and well written...I do not agree with the overall message that women only dress a certain way to be "hot" and "sexy" for men. I'm 16. I'm not going to pretend I know better than you about life or marriage or relationships, I have lots of time to learn and shape my self in those respects, but I do know one thing for sure; I dress for me. No one else. I am definitely one of those girls that show too much leg or too much cleavage in your opinion, but I do so because I feel comfortable and confident with that, and-believe me-I went through a lot to get this confidence. And it hurts me greatly that so many people confuse my comfort with my body as a lack of self respect. While some girls may be in need of your message, I would politely ask you to remember that there are people like me out here. Personally, my body is my home-no one else's, and those who feel the need to comment on it have overstayed their welcome.

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    1. 23, married to my husband for five years, and could not agree more:-)

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  49. So I wouldn't normally comment but I really feel I need to clarify to Andrew & Parker...I'm sorry but you boys are getting it all wrong. The whole point of being modest is RESPECT, not only for yourself but for those around you, for God & for your future spouse. When you respect yourself you don't feel the need or desire to show so much of your body off, now its not like we are covered in turtlenecks & pants. We still wear shorts, we just actually make sure they are much longer than our underwear....which Noe now a days isn't always the case. I wear short sleeved shirts with a scooped neck but a I make sure my chest isn't hanging out for all to see. I do it because I RESPECT myself, others around me & my God. I believe He gave me this body & it is sacred it so I'm not going to just put it on display because YOU think I'm not comfortable. Well boys I can tell you a few things for sure, I'm modest, I'm happy, I'm respectful & I absolutely know who I am! With modesty comes respect

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    1. hi! Just wanted to share my opinion with yours. I agree that the body deserves respect, your mother didn't spend nine months forming your body inside of her just so you could hate and destroy it. However, I do not believe that what you wear is directly linked to how much you respect yourself...as stated in my comment, I love my body. It is my home. But how I dress that body is my decision, not yours, and you have no right to judge how much I respect myself or how much self worth I possess based off of that. I would never judge you for dressing modestly, it is your decision and it makes you happy. All I ask is that if you see me walking down the street in shorts "too short" or a shirt "too low", you show me the same respect. Thanks! :)

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    2. So immodesty means no respect, right?
      Your reflection does not define your worth.
      Do not buy into that lie. Ever. It is a social construct. Modesty isn't about hemlines or necklines. Scolding these men by telling them they respect immodest women MORE is absolutely unfair.
      They respect women REGARDLESS of what they wear. Because they are children of God. The end.

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  51. I'll be sharing this with my granddaughters when the time is right. Thank you.

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  52. Usually I am one to agre with such posts, but with this one, I am going to have to say that I am a bit taken aback.
    I think that instead of you asking others to change because it distracts your man is not the way you should go about things. He is perfectly capable of not looking or giving in to temptation. If he in fact "only has eyes for you", then he will have absolutely no problem with loving you and only you despite the world around him. Asking girls to change their ways is shameful. I have no idea what your church believes in (Lutheran, Catholic, Protestant, etc) but I'm pretty Christian. I have been in the same situations you have been in. But I would never tell someone to change their lifestyle due to my paranoia that a guy who supposedly "loves" me might leave me because I am not considered "hot". I nean yes there is a time and place for everything, and dressing provocatively at school or in the workplace is definitely not what you are supposed to do, at school, if it is hot enough outside, it is not a crime to wear short shorts. I wear shorts that are above my fingertips but do not show anything more than leg, because I will admit that that's pretty gross if your dérrière is popping out. I also wear spaggheti straps and tanks because it is HOT. How is it overexposing if girls can barely show arm, yet men can walk around with their shirts off and no one bats an eyelash? I'm going off on a bit of a tangent here, so I will het straight to the point:
    Christianity and Catholicism (generally summed up) are supposed to be about spreading Christ's love, no matter their way of life. I don't hurt anyone when I wear shorts or sleeveless tees, so why should I be condemned for it when it's people who shame bodies's who should be taking a good look at themselves? Hemlines are not the problem here.
    Excuse my personal examples. It's just difficult to not take this a little personally. But this is also coming from someone who would never show cleavage or midriff, so maybe my ideas of "modesty" are a bit different than yours. Just do not jump down my throat over a word that is so subjective

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  53. agree* mean** spaghetti* Typing on a lag-y smartphone.

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  54. About the fifth paragraph from the bottom: "Maybe the problem is that we are trying to hard..." should be changed to "too hard" to be grammatically correct. ��

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  55. Words are used in many ways. The words "Modest is Hottest" were used to help women understand that they can feel good knowing that modesty is important and respected. That it is something people care about. Some words have many different meanings. And new meanings are being given to words every day. I feel like when that phrase was given, it was meant with good intentions and to promote confidence in righteous living. While it may have a negative connotation, I feel that it is still a good way to remember that being modest is not hiding beauty - it is enhancing our beauty through righteous living. We choose how we want to define our lives.

    I also want to ask: Do you think men can't control their thoughts? Because thoughts lead to actions, so I hope we would have at least some control over our thoughts. Men should always look at a woman's face instead of focusing on other parts of her body. Because that is where she is most beautiful. Her kind smile, her glowing eyes. Her confidence, her shining countenance can all be seen there. I know a righteous young woman when I see one. And it's not because I look at what she's wearing. I can see it in her countenance - I can see it in her expression. Yes, women can influence how we men think, but we, ourselves, have to focus on what true beauty really is - it is righteous living, it is love, it is knowing that the person we are meeting is beautiful on the inside - not just how they look on the outside. True happiness is righteous living. And a daughter of God who is keeping the commandments to the best of her ability is as beautiful as she can be.

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  56. Thank you for writing this.

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  57. I dislike this article because I know a man is going to sexualize you no matter what you wear. I understand your view but I don't agree with it. I'm a Mormon girl and grew up dressing modest but I still saw how the boys stared and made comments no matter how covered you were. I don't believe in dressing for them anymore, I dress how I want.

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    1. Great article! I think both these articles work well together actually --It seems to me both goals is to show that modesty is more about self-respect than anything. Saving your "sexiness" for your husband I feel is more for your own benefit and respect than anyone else. Both of these are fantastic articles and a much needed point of view in today's crazy photo-shopped media! I agree women are viewed a certain way whether they're wearing turtle-necks or bandeau bras, but the big question is how do you feel about YOURSELF --the covenants you make in the Temple are between YOU and the LORD. It's not until after those personal covenants are made that you make covenants to a spouse. I respect myself more when I am dressed modestly, because I know it's a covenant and my body is sacred. I couldn't care less what all the men are thinking about my appearance, because the only ones I care about are me, my Heavenly Father, and my adoring husband (who thinks the most beautiful thing about me is my own respect towards myself!)

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  58. Hi, I'm not a hater. Please just read this well-researched post on the exact same subject matter and you will understand why I, as an endowed LDS woman, disagree with your post:
    http://www.beautyredefined.net/modest-is-hottest-the-revealing-truth/

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  59. Great article! For those who disagree regardless of the reason, it is simply a sign of the times that we live in...those who are lovers of themselves and pleasure. And for the record, if you don't like what she had to say, simply put, no one made you read it! This is HER blog, where she writes her feelings and opinions! If you want to be mean spirited and oppositional get your own blog and leave her alone!

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  60. I was actually just reading this:-)

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  61. I love how this is coming from a women who is nearly perfect in her looks <3 You are flawless!!

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  62. I totally and completely disagree on the grounds that sexualizing women's bodies and putting and impetus on us to control someone else's appetite is horrifically wrong. Be modest in total demeanor, be modest to express how you feel about yourself. Do not make a choice for your body based on what someone else's needs with your body are before your own. This contributes to a culture that tells people that if you have a sexual reaction to something, it is the intent of the thing (note: I didn't say person) you are viewing to be sexual and their responsibility for being so. That's not why we have direction from our heavenly father to be modest, and encouraging modesty for everyone else's sake and not your husband's it's also encouraging the idea that your body is under ownership of everyone that looks at it or interacts with it more than it is in your own.

    By all means, be modest. But don't do it for someone else. Do it for yourself, and for heavenly father.

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  63. I totally agree :) Thank you for sharing this with us!

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  64. I love you, sister! this made my night! <3

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  65. ack. No. This is not right. Nope. Eww eww eww.

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  66. To all the commentors saying that this article insults men and puts all the blame on women, and to anyone who has anything negative to say about the article in general, men and women should both work together to keep their thoughts and actions pure. When meeting with our bishop just after my fiance and I were engaged, he reminded us that we are guardians of each others virtue, not just our own. I feel it is fair to plead with women and girls to do their part to keep themselves and the men and boys around them morally clean. The males have responsibilities too. However, Natasha did a beautiful job of showing what we as females can be doing, and she placed an emphasis on how it benefits the woman or girl, only showing that it benefits guys as an added incentive. Don't like it? Write your own dang article, or if you must comment, be tactful and respectful. No one likes a troll. Natasha wrote what she felt based on her beliefs and personal experience, and not one of you has the right to tear it apart and call it flawed.

    To Natasha, thank you for this article. It was something I needed to read right now. Best wishes to you and your family.

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    1. You do have a right to voice your opinion, and thank you to those who do so respectfully. ;)

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  67. As a mother of 2 younger sons I want to thank you for writing this. I just spoke with my older son the other day and told him if he ever brings a girl home showing more and wearing less and looking distasteful she will not be allowed in my house. What she is wearing does not make her beautiful. I want them to love a woman for who she is and not the body parts she flaunts!

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    1. This comment makes me so sad.

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    2. You're teaching your young son that a girl who wears spaghetti straps or short shorts is someone you can treat rudely? That she is a person you will treat like a pariah and bar from your home? I believe there is a power in true modesty and have raised/ am raising girls and boys who dress and act both modestly and respectfully. Your response sounds hateful and un-Christlike. Compare to Pres. Hinckley in the comment above who when he sees a young woman whose under-dressed figure has been objectified by advertising responds with compassion: responds with "that poor girl" - wouldn't that be a better way to teach your son? I wouldn't want my very modest daughter to be with a young man whose mother would slam the door in the face of a less modest young woman. Food for thought?

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  69. I will send this to both of my daughters. Although they are in their twenties, they both could benefit from this information. Hopefully, one of them will teach my granddaughter to have the strength to resist the challenges of today's society. Thank you so much.

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  70. i applaud you for doing the lords work and you are absolutely write us guys prefer beautiful over "hot" and girls should prefer it for themselves too

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  71. Thank you for this!! I'll be sharing it through my social media and blog. Amazing message and timely! God bless you xoxo
    Blessings,
    Jacy
    www.helloawesomeblog.com

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  72. Dear Emily,
    Surprise! There are other people in this world who have an opinion. It differs from yours. That doesn't mean that it's wrong and you are right. Not everyone thinks the way that you do. Not everyone controls their mind the way that your husband "supposedly" does. This is a great article. Written by someone who has come to realize something very important for her that she hoped would help others too. It obviously didn't help you. Fine. Get over it and move on. I personally agree with what she is saying. We should dress beautifully and appropriately. For the respect of ourself and for the respect of others. We are counseled by our living Prophet, that our body is a Temple. To help honor the Priesthood by what we say and do. If you feel like wearing low neck lines, short shorts, and other fads that are viewed as immodest, the best way to treat your body as a Temple and the best way to honor the Priesthood, then great. I'm not going to tell you that you are wrong as you have so openly done to this young woman. I will, however, like to be in the room when you try to explain to our living Prophet, and other church leaders, how you have interpreted their counsel and how it makes sense. THAT would be fascinating.

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  73. I just found out that I'm having a daughter, and this is the kind of post that I will want to share with her someday. Thank you for your inspiring and encouraging words! We need more people speaking up for such principles.

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  75. Thank you! I am 18 and have a steay boyfriend for about a year now that I could possibly see as my husband and at times I would like to hear the word hot or sexy but after readong this I am glad he calls me beautiful, is my boyfriend, is my best friend and soulmate. And treats me like a princess and always there for me.

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  76. Natasha,

    When I first started reading your blog (which I discovered as a joke on an exmormon site) I thought it was going to be uplifting and pleasant. I have absolutely no problem with the Mormon standards of dress, but I also have no problem with any person (man or woman) choosing to dress in the way they feel happy, comfortable, and confident – however that may be. I know you meant well in this post, but I wanted to touch on a few things outside of the rape culture issue that you are hopefully unintentionally promoting.

    Why is it hard to watch your husband “live in a world full of sexual pollution and immodesty?” Why is if frustrating for you “to be a wife in a world where girls seem to dress with less each year?” It seems obvious that you have trust issues with your husband and you lack confidence. Something that, sorry to say, has nothing to do with anyone but you and your husband. I’m not saying this because I dress “immodestly,” because even though I am not LDS I tend to dress fairly close to their standards. I say this because it is no one’s responsibility but your husbands to keep his eyes from wandering. By blaming women for your husband’s wandering eyes and thoughts, you are promoting the idea that when women are abused, raped, or killed, and a man blames it on the way she was dressed, that it is valid. Is your husband a child or an object? Is he telling you he can’t help himself because of the way girls dress? If so, do not accept that as an excuse.

    I felt sick to my stomach when you wrote “Please change for the wives: the wives around you who you frustrate greatly (trust me, you do). Change for the wife who you eventually will be... Who if you don't understand what I'm saying now, will when you get married.” Like I said, I am not LDS but I am still pretty conservative. I am a wife, my husband works at a venue where girls sometimes wear very little clothing… but guess what? I trust him 100%, that is why I married him. He respects women, sees them as people, as individuals. He doesn’t sit and stare at every girl in less than your idea of “modest” clothing. I chose a guy I trust, and that respects women. You didn’t.

    My advice to you is to see a marriage counselor, and quit blaming other people for your marital issues. This is a problem in your relationship, not with other women.

    I also wanted to let you know that hot is whatever you make it. I wear skinny jeans and a t-shirt almost every day, and I feet hot! I don’t need to wear a belly shirt, or a bikini to make myself feel hot. Feeling hot to me is also not defined by how men view me. The only thing I care about is how I feel… nothing else matters.

    Good luck.

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  77. I think you missed the mark on the phrase "Modest is hottest". I don't believe it was a phrase intended to say you can be modest and "hot" at the same time garnering the negative attention. It is saying that being modest is attractive, as in, virtuous, appealing because of your standard, and respected because of it. See, in Hollywood, being "hot" is what garners attention, respect, and is appealing...I think this phrase was coined to insinuate that being modest can be "in" and "ok", you don't have to be Hollywood "hot" to be "in". Does anyone else understand what I'm saying? I never once thought the phrase "modest is hottest" was to promote pushing the line to be modest yet "hot". I completely agree with being modest in all aspects, dress and manner. It's obedience to the scripture and to be pleasing to God. In a world so obsessed with looks, it is a challenge for young ladies to get dressed every morning. All the times I've heard this phrase it was to promote a positive thing, to be comfortable with being modest and not care what the world has to say.

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    1. That was always my take on it too. I do agree with the author though on the rest of the article. I don't understand why so many people split hairs on this issue. Of course modesty is modesty in behavior and thoughts AND in dress.

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  78. That was awesome! Thank you:) I am sharing it with my facebook friends.

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  79. This is perfect. Thank you! I want all the girls in my MiaMaid class to read this!

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  80. I totally love this! When I was in high school I was the girl who was modest in both clothes and thoughts. I dated some popular guys and always had fun. When a girl found out she was pregnant we all wondered who the daddy was, imagine my surprise to hear that some of the guys I had dated (who were perfect gentlemen with me) were worried it might be them. At the time I was thinking that I wasn't as pretty as her because they desired her more, but I know that they respected me and what I wanted for myself. I have three grown daughters now and I wish I could have shown them your words while they were growing up, don't let the negative comments get you down. If only one young woman reads this and changes the way she dresses then you have made a difference.

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  81. Well said. I'd recommend that every person who agreed or disagreed with the article read "What Our Mothers Didn't Tell Us" by Danielle Crittenden...especially the chapter titled "About Sex" because she very eloquently and logically lays out how we've gone from understanding and appreciating modesty and chastity to defending our "right" to flaunt ourselves and throw away all convention. Here's an excerpt from page 42: "The elaborate rituals that used to govern relations between the sexes were based on the understanding that women, as child bearers, required the protection of society against men who might recklessly use and abandon them. These rituals could be inhibiting and stultifying yes, but they at least did the job of letting everyone know what was appropriate and inappropriate behavior. And at best, they protected women from the potentially disastrous consequences of ungoverned male lust. Because these rituals were so relentlessly specific - whether it was in the rules about the wearing of gloves by ladies or hats by men- they sharpened and focused the sexual signals exchanged by the sexes. Once upon a time, a man could be pretty sure about the "sort of girl" who might be open to his advances merely by her appearance - she offered him clues in the cut of her dress, in her flirtatious manner." The way we dress does still send signals, regardless of feminists' arguments otherwise.

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  82. I just wanted to add that while many MANY people, especially men, will say this type of guy does not exist (the type who turn their head when an immodest female comes close or commercial in TV/internet) they do exist. I am married to one. My brother in law is one. My father in law is one. They are few and far between, but they exist.

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  83. I also love this article. Years back I was very confused and thought that the quantity of men that "wanted me" was so awesome! I was so proud, but later when I looked back at those times, I was ashamed. I was ashamed at the quantity. I am married to a great guy and have a beautiful daughter and I never want her to think that she needs to have quantity over quality. I am going to do my best to teach her that being "hot" is not the best. I hope to show her that having one man that loves you even when you look awful is so much more exciting.

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  84. As a man, I will have to disagree with your post.
    Modest IS hottest. Sorry, but it just is.

    When I see a girl who is dressed "slutty" for a lack of a better term, she just looks gross. Men might say she is "hot" around you (a woman) but when alone, men will openly call her a slut. Not the kind of men worth knowing, but it is reality that men have no respect for these kinds of women.

    They do not look attractive at all.

    Modestly dressed women are beautiful. They are FAR more beautiful than a grossly dressed woman.

    Modest is absolutely hottest.

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  85. Perhaps it would be beneficial to define the words modest and standard. The LDS dress code standard is very defined as found in the For the Strength of Youth pamphlet. The Mormon culture, I believe, tends to combine the two definitions into one. One must also look at the cultural upbringing and background when applying said definitions. I have known some of the sweetest, most enjoyable people who according to LDS standards do not maintain our dress code yet who are modest, lovely, exceptional individuals. I can definitely see where the author is coming from. Taken in context, from her perspective, and based on her experience I can understand her good intentions. I believe in the goodness of so many people and I truly believe we must promote that goodness. We are all on such varying levels and degrees of our journey. It would be a shame to disregard any person based on another's own Pharisee-like measures of right and wrong, including the manner of their dress. Having said all that I also believe that as we come to understand the why of the standards set up by the church, our outward appearance will mimic or inward convictions. For me, I do not hold others to the same standard I hold myself to because my own understanding of truth may be different (or at a different level) than others, including those within the church. We must be teaching correct principles and allow others to govern themselves. When we get to the heart of these issues I think we will stop taking such defined outward measures and instead look upon another's heart. Thank you to the author for posting words for thought as well as commentators; it has given me much to think upon.

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  86. To the women who posted on this blog. Some of the comments on here are deeply disturbing to me. I may get dislikes, I may get rude comments but the blog isn’t for you. Its for the young girls like me that need this in our life. This blog is Natalie’s personal opinion, it is not talking about the modesty of one’s home, speech, lifestyle etc. It is just about clothing. It is not meant to be taken out of proportion. By saying that it is an obsession, that by posting this she means “young women dress inappropriately, it is the only reason why they would get raped.” It is not meant to put any young ladies, or women down. She is not asking to change for “her man.” The intent behind this is to help the young ladies that see models, and media that portray things that can entice a man. This is to help young ladies know that you don’t have to dress in short shorts, or tank tops to be attractive, to feel good about themselves. If she intended to talk about modesty of speech, and lifestyle she would have. It is true that there are many levels of modesty but she has only selected one. When she wrote that women need to change for the men, and husbands, it was not intended to be an insult. If you are insecure enough to think it is then perhaps you should not be posting. We are humans, and as humans we are sexual. It is in our nature. The end of the blog stating we need to change for the husbands and future husbands is pretty much stating that we need to help them, by limiting chances of discomfort for them. By dressing modestly it can “ help” reduce the problem. I’m not saying that it will get rid of problems of thoughts, but it can help limit them. For those who choose to dress modestly as religious choices made in the temple good for you, but this blog isn’t for you. For those that think it does nothing to help men, your statement is wrong. You may get comments from guys when you are fully clothed but that’s just those guys. There are many types of men out there. This blog is not for married women who think it is offensive to them because it is “doubting their husbands self control” it is for young potential wives, potential husbands, and the husbands who find discomfort in the way women dress. Please, don’t take offense to something that is innocent. If it is your lifestyle to dress that way, that is ok. She is not saying that you are a bad person, or that you are doing something wrong. It is as if she is saying please respect, and keep in mind, the men that are not comfortable in the way women dress.

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  87. This article is amazing. I would just like to say that this author doesn't need to " back up" or "prove to you" her own feelings on modesty on her very own blog. Just because you chose to read something that doesn't have a work cited page or "research" to back it up doesn't mean you need to act offended over someone else's definition of modesty. We are all different and that's perfectly okay. I love this blog!

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  88. Wow, talk about shaming. Are you all going to teach boys that there natural sex drive is dirty, perverted and impure. and if they feel something when they see a girl(modest or not) there is something wrong with them. I teach my boys that they do not have to judge themselves harshly for feeling attraction. They can non judgementaly observe there thoughts and allow them to pass, while thinking isn't it wonderful to be human. I firmly believe the shame about sexuality is part of what is fueling porn addiction.

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    1. Agreed. Too much shaming going around.

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  89. How about we teach our young women AND young men about modesty and respect for themselves, others, and their bodies, which are temples of God.

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  90. I also teach my daughter the same thing.

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  91. I was sitting in church one day, and I overheard a young girl whisper to her mother, "That girl isn't modest," as she pointed to another girl her age wearing a sleeveless dress. It was saddening. All these hard fast rules just teach young people to judge others. Modesty shouldn't be a set of blanket rules, but rather a personalized attitude of self-respect, sleeves or no sleeves.

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    1. Amen brother. It seems the keeper of the rules of modesty have become shame and judgment and not a personal inner knowing and love for who oneself is. I would say I have experienced women who are bursting these chains of shame at all cost and some leaving the church to get away from the culture.

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    3. Amen again.
      "Mormon culture rarely coincides with Mormon doctrine."
      -J Gough

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  92. Thank you so much for sharing this. I will be sharing this with my YW of which 2 of them are my own daughters, Beautiful is perfect. Thanks again.

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  93. Thank you for this wonderfully honest blog post!! The "modest is hottest" line has always bugged me, too. Thank you for verbalizing what the rest of us were having a hard time putting words to. :)

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  94. Love this blog post! So perfectly said! And yes, we can't go about judging others for dressing immodestly. We need to be beautiful inside and out.

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  95. I would say the deeper issue is women not willing to love themselves unless they feel desirable to others, both men who want them and women who want to be like them.

    Love and accept yourself no matter what and that solves most of this dilemma. Our value doesn't come from others but when we believe it does we enslave ourselves to others that will conditionally give us that love if we meet their conditions. This reaches into all areas, not just sexual modesty.

    This goes for both sexes.

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  96. There's a difference between being hot and beautiful. Maybe you can't be modest and hot, but you can be modest and beautiful.

    I think it's important to note too that if you seek hottness, you will only find men who want you for the hotness. All women should seek men who judge them on their beauty inside and out.

    Is modesty "right"? I'm not sure, but if I'm seeking a one night stand I shoot for hot, but a girl I would date is one who is beautiful, in all regards.

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  97. Thank you for this post. I am not a Mormon, however I was taught to dress modestly all my life. I appreciate more and more that teaching and guidance as I age. I have read these comments on this awesome post and all I can hear is "I do this or that for myself. I don't dress for anyone but me. Etc, etc, etc." Selfish much? You nailed so many wonderful principles and didn't do it in an offensive manner. Those who have taken offense should probably check their own spirit. We who dress modestly do so for Him, not so much for ourselves. God asked it and who are we to say no to the One who loves us more than we could ever know and asks so little of us in return? I have two daughters who have chosen to go a different route in life once they became adults and I have watched them as they wore less and less clothing and sought more and more for men to look and notice. It becomes, as does anything, commonplace after a while to see women with almost nothing on. So when they see a lady with clothing that covers her, it can be much more intriguing. However, we can be incredibly immodest with sleeves to our fingertips, collars around our chins, and skirts to the floor. If all those things are tight and revealing and loud we are still grabbing for attention from anyone who will look. And these days it really is anyone. So, the beginning of modesty has to be our heart and mind. If it's not there we won't live it. What's in our hearts and minds shows on the outside. I'm not uptight, I don't walk around "shaming" anyone but I refuse to add myself to the list of people who feel that whatever "I" want is right for me. I want what is right in God's eyes. I want what will be helpful to those around me. And I'm not naive enough to think that every man who sees me is going to have clean thoughts. As has been said, I'm not responsible for his or anyone else's continuing thought process. The way I dress has less to do with others and more to do with God and my heart and soul. So thank you for taking the time to write this. Thank you for putting yourself out there regardless of the trolls. Thank you for allowing yourself to swim against that seductive current that tries to snag all of us. Whether we like to hear it or not, we need it. So take strength and heart in knowing that there are many more who agree with you than disagree.

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  98. Natasha,
    Thanks for your post! The message I got from your words was that I have a much greater worth than just what I look like! Thank you for that reminder!

    To those who are saying this is a horrible article,

    I can see what you are trying to say and I agree with many of your points but I think what Natasha is trying to say is that the message sent when wearing certain clothes might not actually be the message you are trying to or want to send. Whether we like it or not, what we wear does send a message to those around us. Depending on the people around us, that message may be different depending on who they are. There is a famous quote that says "Fashion is a simple way of saying complicated things." I have also been a fan of the show "What Not to Wear" and one of their central messages is that what you wear sends a message. I think Natasha is probably just trying to make some women aware of how what they wear can be interpreted by some men and women.

    But again, I agree with many of your points...my soon to be step daughter who is 13 has told her that the dress we got her 6 year old sister is immodest because it doesn't have sleeves. She has shamed that little girl into thinking that if she wears that dress without anything over or under it that she is bad! And that makes me so mad! So I totally get that side of the argument too because there are so many people who take things too far. Even Elizabeth Smart spoke out recently about how our Mormon culture of virtue made her feel worthless after she was abducted and raped. So I get what the other side of this argument is, I just don't think that was the way Natasha was intending it to come across. It is annoying to feel like I will be judged for what I wear! Just this morning while going to play tennis with my friends here in Provo I wore a tank top and tennis skirt and the thought did cross my mind that I might be judged for wearing that but I wore it anyway because its hot and I wanted to catch some rays.

    This is such a loaded topic and one that is good to discuss but maybe instead of attacking each others positions we could all benefit from trying to see where people with different opinions are coming from. We all have so much more in common than we have different and our strength is in lifting each other up and not dragging each other down .
    xoxo

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    1. Rebbeca, you should write a blog post about this. I would definitely read it. Well said.

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    2. Thanks Troy, I don't know if I'm up for writing about such a controversial topic! Kudos to Natasha for sharing her feelings!

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  99. I meant temperature wise it's hot:-)

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  100. While I appreciate what you are trying to say in this article, it's difficult to take it seriously, when you have clearly been considered "hot" your entire life. Come back and write this when you've experienced what it's like to be the last girl guys describe as "hot".

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    1. I understand what that's like ElSaa! I have a big chest but beyond that I'm not much to look at. I was teased for my looks when I was younger and didn't date until college. Really the only thing I've got that the "world" appreciates is the top half of my body. Typical modest clothes don't fit me right and just make me look frumpy. Maybe I could be "hot" if I did it the world's way and wore a ton of makeup and revealing clothes, but that's just not me. However, I am who I am and I do my best to look attractive and feel confident. I've had some luck finding a few styles that are both modest and enhance what little beauty I was given. I have found what works! Confidence can do wonders for a person, especially one who can't rely on looks.

      That said, I bet you're much prettier than you think you are. A lot of those traditionally "hot" girls are a dime a dozen anyway right? Go easy on yourself. :)

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  101. I like the article for the most part (I get the intended message) and definitely agree that modest is not hottest (haha), but I do have something to add: My soapbox, if you will.

    Modesty goes way beyond what we wear. What we wear is part of it, but more important than how high the shorts actually are it is WHY we are choosing to wear short shorts in the first place. And no it's never hot enough to justify excessively skimpy clothes- many women in Africa wear long linen skirts, which are actually way cooler, trust me from experience. Modesty encompasses behavior as well as appearance, for both boys and girls. Wearing knee shorts doesn't automatically make someone virtuous and "modest." I've known some pretty rotten girls who dressed more conservatively than I did. Boys should be taught to take control of their own thoughts (can't force everyone to dress modestly all the time) and girls should be dressing as if they have some respect for their bodies and are comfortable with who they are despite what the world tells them. It is NOT my responsibility to take ownership over the thoughts and actions of the men around me. That's just unrealistic and frankly, unfair. But that shouldn't give me free reign to dangle everything I've got in front of them for kicks and get "offended" when they misread the signals I'm sending.

    Unfortunately "modesty" is a complex principle that needs to be embraced for the right reasons and not simply because a church leader says so. I dress modestly because I feel like a tart when I don't (I am built like one, haha) and it's necessary to cover up my you-know-whats because I covenanted with God to do so, but it's also who I actually am inside and out. It's MY choice to dress modestly and I'm happy with that choice, not a rule that was forced upon me by anyone, however well-intentioned. If I want to wear a tank top out hiking, I do. Nobody should feel the need to judge me for that decision or brand me as an immodest woman of the world simply because my shoulders are showing for 2 hours one day. It's not anyone's place but mine to make that judgment call on what manner of dress defines me or whether I am doing right by God in my personal life. And my wearing a tank top when exercising isn't threatening any other women out there who are constantly fearful that their husbands will stray. I'm just as well endowed in a turtleneck as I am in a T-shirt FYI. Actually more so, so turtlenecks (the epitome of "modest") are still out for me.

    Ultimately It's all about how we present ourselves, and what we need to be teaching young women is that many times the way we should present ourselves is different from what the media and the world are telling us. We can be plenty "hot" in other ways, if that makes us feel better about ourselves and more confident, but it is perfectly ok, and desirable in the spiritual sense, to be modest. And it is perfectly acceptable to want to be beautiful on the outside to reflect who we are on the inside. And if we embrace modesty for ourselves (for no one else) then we will attract the types of people who love us for who we are, not for superficial things that can fade with time, which INCLUDES what we are wearing.

    We need to give boys and men much more credit than we do. We women (and men) should stop giving our girls sole responsibility for everything "modest" and start teaching our boys to admire true modesty and not be so weak-minded that they'd leave their wives for some super tan girl in a string bikini. But we also need to teach them how to value the person inside and to treat ALL women with dignity and respect, regardless of what she's wearing (even if its immodest). Otherwise they're just being judgmental and shallow, which is just as bad as lusting after scantily clad women IMHO.

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  102. The message intended here was with good heart and the attempt to instill values of modesty into women. However, once again all I see are inequalities and chains being thrust upon women. I realize that a g-string on the beach is inappropriate or that an outfit that is see-through is less than modest but, I am beyond sick and tired of women being told how to dress so as not to attract a man's "wondering eyes or thoughts"! I hate to break it to all of you, but regardless of how much a woman is covered up a man can always undress her if he really wants to in his own mind. Perhaps, if churches focused more on teaching how important inner beauty is to God, then our young women AND men would be more in tune to honing that side of themselves and would care less to even think about outwards appearances. And why are all of these articles always addressed towards women? Can not a man be immodest too by today's "standards"? Too tight jeans, no top while swimming, or God forbid that clavicle show because a button came undone. Never do I see anybody addressing men about these things; just goes to show that gender inequality still exists and is usually perpetuated by women in my experiences. It might be easier just to go back to the 1800s and dress as was customary then for us women because I mean honestly who sets these "modesty" rules?? Is modesty not in the eye of the beholder? In some cultures and areas of the world modesty is considered completely covering the head of a woman and even the face except for the eyes. Is that what our modesty should consist of? Other areas as long as a woman's bottom half is covered they are dressed appropriately. They aren't even concerned with the women's breasts! Perhaps that should be our level of modesty??? Show me in scripture where the details of how a woman should dress are listed past that of saying "in modest apparel". I have looked and the more detailed accounts pertain to man! Not a woman even! I am a twenty-one year old recent college graduate female who has never been in a relationship so granted maybe I don't "understand" having to worry about my significant other looking at other women and how they dress, but I can say this at least to the rest of the article. I am saving myself for my husband who will truly love me for me, I will ensure that my foundation is built upon Jesus and his teachings, I will completely stabilize myself with my education and career track before committing myself to a man, I will be fully independent and know truly who I am before I ever consider entering a relationship where I must compromise with someone. All of these I will do and not ANY of it will have to do with my dress (except perhaps what I wear to job interviews). Thank Jesus for the parents he gave me who instilled in me modesty, honesty, loyalty, chastity, and submission to CHRIST only! I assure you, who I am today had nothing to do with my bathing suit I wore to the beach or the outfits I chose to wear on the weekend. It does have everything to do with Christ and my focus on him to make him happy. I hope that you young ladies reading this realize that your outward appearance leaves a first impression, but that impression will be different to everyone no matter what you wear so you must decided what you want to wear that goes in accord with who you are on the inside. This is a choice between you and Jesus, nobody else. I pray that each and everyone of you perhaps focus more on school and Him, before men, so that you can give yourself fully to your significant other one day because you know who YOU are inside and out.

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  103. This was amazing! Great post for young women!

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